Tricky Body

Those of us who live with mental health symptoms may have out-of-proportion thoughts and body sensations. We might be hypervigilant, with not just a tricky mind, but a tricky body, too.

When you first begin to meditate and are not used to giving anxiety or depression such full attention, it might startle you to see how often they are present. Realizing the temporary nature of the thoughts and body sensations that make up those conditions can bring relief. When you feel you can’t go on, remember it will change!

You’ve heard the phrase “This too shall pass.” Shinzen Young reframes that as, “This too IS passing.”24

In depression, tricky thinking tangles with physical sensations of heaviness and pain. People think of depression as purely a mind disease, but it manifests in the body with a leaden, deadened feeling and often a sense of hopelessness as well, not only in the mind but in the body too. I used to say it was trying to walk through pudding: Thick and viscous, every move a fight.

Anxiety has a different quality of sensation, more tingling than that of depression but just as painful. It also often includes unpleasant thoughts, an extra layer on top of the already unpleasant body sensations. Plus, hypervigilance often goes with it. People with anxiety may become hyperaware of thoughts and feelings. Anxiety can feel like a vibrational field with electrical zaps, confusion, and waves of adrenaline so powerful the sufferer believes they will knock her down or kill her.

I sat at a retreat where my paranoia, anxiety, and fear were so great and constant that I feared I would collapse. I was grateful that Ed was beside me and Bhante Gunaratana at the head of the room. Bhante G. instructed us to let our most powerful thoughts and body sensations become the object of meditation.

I watched thoughts of financial ruin, losing our house, and Ed leaving arise. Strong, painful sensations wracked my chest and belly. I pulled away, then returned. I rode those waves for several sitting periods. It was simultaneously uncomfortable and freeing to know I could sit through that much angst. Until the stillness of the retreat pushed back my world’s busy distractions, I hadn’t realized how much anxiety and paranoia I’d had inside me.

As I sat, any time I let my mind wander, the paranoia returned so strongly I wasn’t sure I could keep my seat. But I did, tears streaming down my face.

Then we walked.

In the retreat center gymnasium, I plotted a straight line, back and forth across the basketball court. At the end of the line, before I turned, I noticed the desire to turn welling up inside me. But I didn’t turn.

I stood with that urge, experiencing it, letting it subside, and not turning until it passed and I chose to turn. Only then did I walk back to the other end of the line.

When the next sitting period began, my body felt calmer. The waves of paranoia and anxiety returned, but I knew they would pass. My experience during walking of waiting before I turned, resisting the urge to turn, and just feeling it all the way through transferred over to the sitting. That taste of impermanence from noticing my desire to turn during the walk helped me observe how the waves of emotion, still strong as they were, also rose and fell. And I let them. I can only describe the freedom in that with one word: bliss.

Susan M. Orsillo, PhD, and Lizabeth Roemer, PhD, write about using meditation as an anxiety treatment:

“We’re asking you to notice your anxiety in a new and different way. People often hypervigilantly scan for signs of anxiety, either to brace for the threats to come or to chastise themselves for having an unwanted response. As you monitor your experience, try to bring a curious, observing stance to noticing your anxiety. The goal is to observe and notice the full range of reactions, not to judge or control  them. Over time, this new way of relating to your anxiety will lead to these signs being less alarming and overwhelming.”25 —Susan M. Orsillo, PhD, and Lizabeth Roemer, PhD

When you experience an emotion all the way through, feel it flow through your body, notice any thoughts that arise with it, and let all of that move  and pass away, that’s freedom. This level of understanding differs from what we seek in therapy. The insight here is cellular, and it reduces suffering  in a powerful way.

Should we meditate through this storm?

It depends!

During times of deep distress, meditation may be difficult regardless of your mental health status. But it also may be the best thing to do. Telling  those of us who rely on meditation as a coping tool not to do it is like telling a dancer not to dance with a sore toe, or telling a tennis player to lay off  when a knee aches. We take care not to do harm. We don’t need to power through. Being a fierce meditation warrior isn’t always effective. And we’re  often not the right one to make that decision. It is such an individual case. Consult a teacher, therapist, or other mentor if you have concerns,  especially if you have a history of trauma.

But if you decide to meditate during a tough stretch, the process is the same as with any other object of meditation. Infuse your experience with awareness and equanimity. Isolate the object on which you will focus. Drill into it with your full concentrated awareness while you allow those thoughts and body sensations to be exactly as they are.

YOUR TURN: UNTANGLING EMOTIONS

At first, try this complex exercise while standing or sitting. Once you feel skilled with it, use it during your movement meditation.

Choose an interval. Then turn your awareness to an emotionally charged situation, one that arouses strong emotion in you. As you think of it, note where in your body you feel it. Is your throat tight? Does your belly burn? Do tears well up? Spend a few minutes experiencing these body sensations.

Then, turn your attention to any thoughts that may also be arising. Do your best to separate the body sensations from the thoughts. Simply note that difference and attempt to let both the thoughts and the body sensations arise, do their little dances, and pass away. Again, this is an advanced practice. It is normal at first to be carried off by either the thoughts or the body sensations. When you remember your intention to meditate, give yourself a little mental cheer, gently bring your mind back to your body, and begin again.

Summary

Now that you know those powerful emotions are simply a tangle of thoughts and body sensations, explore and unravel the threads as you do your movement practice.

The next chapter in the book Make Every Move a Meditation delves more deeply into how to work with painful and joyous thoughts and body sensations. Grow through movement practice no
matter what arises.

24 Shinzen Young, “The Power of Gone.” November 6, 2015. www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/art_PowerofGone.pdf.
25 Susan M. Orsillo and Lizabeth Roemer. The Mindful Way Through Anxiety, 35. mindfulwaythroughanxiety.com.

I have included more than twenty “Your Turn” exercises in the book Make Every Move a Meditation.

This excerpt is from Make Every Move a Meditation by Nita Sweeney. Buy the paperback, ebook, or audiobook now at Amazon or Mango Publishing Group.